Crash Course on Women and Arguments: by LJ Gibbs
by IluvMonkeys
Summary: There are a few important words men need to know when involved in an argument with their woman; and with five redheads under his belt, Gibbs is pretty much an expert. A series of short little one-shots involving Gibbs and all five red heads with a definite Jibbs undertone.
1. Fine

**Monkeys' Disclaimer: Um...I don't own him or any of the other NCIS character, just the made up scenarios.**

_A/n: This little sucker just popped into my head after seeing a very cute but very true picture on instagram. I was reminded of Dane Cook, and this happened._

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Chapter 1: Fine

_This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she's right and you need to shut the hell up._

Ex.

Given that it's your first wife and you're young it's understandable that you didn't know; but when she's gotten less than three hours of sleep in the past three days because of finals and you've been arguing all over the house for the past thirty minutes about something you can't even remember anymore….when she yells "_FINE_!" at you, don't keep talking.

Common variations of the word:

1. Where she yells it at you and storms off.

2. Where she throws her hands up in what you might think is surrender and shrugs her shoulders. Her voice goes up about one octave so that it's almost reassuring. Don't be fooled this is probably the second most dangerous way she could say it.

3. Where she inhales before she says it.

4. *silence* Okay, fine: this means that even though she knows she's right, your argument is still pissing her off. You also probably just said something very insulting or stupid or both. You're screwed. This is _the _ most dangerous way for her to say it.


	2. Nothing

Chapter 2: Nothing

_This is the calm before the storm. It means something and you'd better worry about it. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with fine._

Ex.

When your partner/lover who _never_ does dishes, or anything domestic for that matter is standing in your little Parisian kitchen dangerously close to scrubbing a hole into a plate and you ask her what's wrong do not take her tight _nothing_ as fact. You may wind up having that plate thrown at the back of your head.

Don't be surprised if the whole thing goes like this...

_Gibbs walked into the little Paris apartment he and Jenny were holed up in for the next week with his hair plastered to his forehead and his clothes drenched in rainwater._

_He found his redhead partner in the kitchen...cleaning. Jenny _hated_ cleaning. She looked up at the sound of his sloshing feet on the floor and sighed in exasperation._

_"Jesus, Jethro, do you have to track mud through the house?" she demanded, throwing a dish towel at him._

_Gibbs made the grave mistake of chuckling as he used the towel to oblige her and dry his hair._

_"Sound like a wife, Jen," he teased; but she didn't rise to his barb. She didn't do anything. __She just kept scrubbing at that plate even though it was pretty damn near sparkling by then. He slowed his movements with the towel, eyeing her suspiciously. "What's biting you?" he asked._

_"**Nothing**," she bit out. _(there it is)

_It was then that Gibbs made his second mistake; and decided _to leave her alone.

_"Alright," he agreed gruffly, though he still had a wary look in his eyes as he turned and rightfully so._

(Wait for it)

_He had barely made it five steps before something hard struck him in the back of the head; and he spun back to face her as the plate she had pitched at his head shattered against the tile of the floor and the shards flew over his feet. His eyes shot up from the floor to her face incredulously._

_"Not alright," she growled, her green eyes flashing._

_(insert atomic bomb)_

_"What the hell, Jenny!" he barked, stepping away from the shattered dish, glad he had his muddy shoes on._

_"You got _arrested_!" she yelled, deciding _that_ is why she was so livid. She advanced on him with a very sharp knife in hand, waving it around in a rather disconcerting manner. "You got arrested and dragged Ducky into it! _Ducky! _You called Ducky to break you out of jail .You are quite possibly_ the_ most idiotic man on the planet. Do you not understand the concept of under the radar?'_"

_"You let me get arrested!" he shot back, forgetting about the knife for a minute. "And yeah, I called Ducky. Who was I supposed to call? You? You're a probie, Jen," he reminded her for what seemed like the umpteenth time since they had landed in Europe._

_(this right here, it's bad)_

_"Yes, Jethro, you're absolutely right," she agreed with him sarcastically. "I'm the probie. I'm _so _inexperienced that I just _fumble _everything. I can't be trusted without a supervisor; and you, of course you're always right oh Enlightened One. You're the only one who's right, and we're all just swimming in a sea of wrong!" she shouted, starting to sound a little maniacal, still waving that knife._

_"You want to put that down?" he requested tensely, eying the knife as the sunlight caught the blade._

_She looked down at the knife as if she had just realized she were holding it._

_"Oh, that'll be the day," she mocked him; and right there he should have realized what she was really angry about, but he didn't. He was too concerned with the big butcher knife in her hand."No!"_

_"Jen," he tried, the blade fuzzing up his thoughts a bit. _

_He wasn't sure if she would use it or not. She wasn't exactly acting herself. Actually she was, she just didn't usually have big machetes in her hand when he was yelling at him._

_"Just remember that this probie commandeered a boat and saved both of your asses," she hissed. "And I managed to keep your fingerprints out of the system and your name out of the paper."_

_"It was risky, Jen," he tried to impress on her._

_"And your plan to break out from the inside wasn't?" she demanded. She paused and inhaled deeply through her nose. "Fine," she growled, tossing the knife on the floor by the remains of the plate as she brushed past him._

I didn't sleep in a bed for the rest of that week.

Different Ways She'll Say It:

1. When she follows up with, "Why?"

2. When she says it like it really is nothing.

3. When she bites it out like it's causing a strain on her to actually say the word.

4. Nothing, nothing at all: She'll most likely walk away from you at this point, probably rolling her eyes. She's being sarcastic.


	3. Go Ahead

Lol, I'm glad you guys are liking the story. As you will see, the format of each chapter will vary slightly; but overall same idea :) Oh, yeah, FYI italics are flashbacks from a third person's point of view.

Thanks for reading! Hugs!

-M :]

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Chapter 3: Go ahead

_This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it._

This one was Diane's favorite.

Ex.

It's your third marriage, so you should know these things by now; but you don't. Maybe that's why it's your third marriage.

_Gibbs walked into his house, knowing full well that Diane was ready to bite his head off. He had been ignoring her calls since yesterday. He hadn't seen her since the day before that. _

_The woman in question stepped into view from the living room with her arms crossed over her chest. She was dressed in sweatpants and one of her husband's old USMC T-shirts, her red hair was tossed up into a messy bun, and she had taken her makeup off. Even in that state, Diane Gibbs was an attractive woman; but her curled lip and the lethal glare he was giving him would have sent a lesser man running._

_"I was starting to think you were dead," she murmured lowly, her words dripping with biting sarcasm._

_"You'd like that," he quipped, jogging up the steps with her on his heels._

_"A girl can dream," she shot back; smiling sweetly when he looked back at her with a glare of his own as he walked into their bedroom. Really it was her bedroom. He slept in the basement most nights._

_"I've got to get back," he said finally. "Just need a clean shirt."_

Trust me, if you come home for the first time in two days and your wife makes the sarcastic comment that she thought you'd died, don't tell her you're going back to work and only came home to grab a new shirt. She _will_ take offense at that.

_"It's not like you're ever here anyway," she snapped viciously, her blue eyes icy. "I cook, but you're never home for dinner. I clean, and the only time I see you in your laundered clothes is when you dash in for a _clean shirt_. I have a job too, Leroy. That doesn't stop me from showing my face in our house more than once a week."_

When she starts nagging you about how you're never home while you search for said shirt, don't interrupt her. Whatever you say will just make thing worse anyway.

_"I've got a probie to train, Diane," Gibbs growled, snatching a shirt out of the closet. Burley and Decker are too green themselves to train her," he said; and what a terrible mistake that was._

And if you want to keep your family jewels don't mention another woman even if you work with that woman and think it means nothing. Remember the meaning of nothing?

_"Right, Agent Shepard," Diane snarled the younger woman's name as if it were the foulest word in the English language. "The redhead who looks like she just walked out of a Victoria's Secret catalog."_

_"Jesus, Diane," he sighed, shoving a hand back through his hair. He didn't have the patience for her jealously crap. "I've got to get back to work."_

When you find a shirt and you say something like, "I have to get back to work," this will be her response.

"**Fine**, go ahead."

This is very, very dangerous. It is a combination of deadly words (keep reading for that). Do _not_ walk out that door. Your key might not work when you come back.

Word of advice: If your key doesn't work, don't break the door open. Golf clubs will fly.

Common Variations of the word:

1. Oh please, go ahead: Her using _please_ only means that she _really_ wants to see you do it so she has a good reason to make your life hell.

2. Fine, go ahead.

3. When she says "Oh really?" before it.

4. When she tacks on "Who's stopping you?" to the end, just to trigger your need to prove you're a man.

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**Hey, Diane sweatpants, hair tied, chillin' with...no? Not so much? Yeah... **

**Pay me no mind, I'm random...increasingly so it seems; and I couldn't help myself. :)**


	4. The Sigh

Who would've thought it would be so difficult to come up with arguments lol. Next chapter is the last other than a "bonus" chapter. I think this may slowly be turning into a slight crackfic. Teensy weensy little bit.

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Chapter 4: The Loud Sigh

_This isn't actually a word. It's a non-verbal statement often men usually misunderstand. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to Chapter 2 for the meaning of nothing.)_

Ex.

If you make the mistake of marrying a lawyer she will be very careful with her words and pay close attention to yours. That way she knows just how to use them against you when she serves as her own attorney in your divorce case. Since she argues for a living, she'll probably find most of your fights idiotic. A loud sigh means she's done talking to you because your degree of stupidity is hurting her head. More than likely she'll follow up with a glare, suck her teeth slowly and take a deep breath before finally telling you with a certain degree of finality, "We're done talking."

(If Jen were reading this she'd like how many words I'm using)

_"You really ought to expand your vocabulary, Jethro."_

Common Variations:

1. When it's not a sigh, but an angry groan, almost a scream: Not only does she think you're a complete idiot, the fact that you don't seem to realize it has her ready to pull her hair out.

2. When she closes her eyes and opens them wide with a dramatic roll before the sigh.

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Thanks for reading :)

-Monkeys!


	5. Forget It

_Less of a story in the example. More of a drabble._

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5: Forget it

Don't forget it. It better be the only thing on your mind until you figure out what you did wrong.

Ex.

When you marry a woman three months after one woman leaves you with a Dear John letter to get over that woman there're going to be problems. If you mumble the name of that woman you were trying to forget in your sleep after your wife went through the trouble to actually wake up and concern herself with your fitful sleep there will be consequences. When she barely speaks to you the following morning, you'll ask what's wrong. After your fourth marriage you've learned when a woman is unhappy.

She might reply with _nothing _(Chapter 2 if you still don't get that this word means just the opposite). You should realize that it isn't nothing and press her further.

This is when she will tell you to forget about it. _Don't. _

You'll wrack your brain trying to figure out what you did wrong; and when you can't you will forget about it. You might not see consequences right away, but eventually you might come home to find her in bed with another man—-one who's considerably younger and better built than you.

_That_ is when she'll call you out on it because more than likely you've been mumbling the same name still.

You shouldn't have just forgotten about it.

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_You are lovely people for putting up with my nonsense ;)_

_xoxo-Monkeys :]_


	6. Gibbs

_ Last chapter!_

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6: Gibbs

_When she calls you by your last name don't touch her, don't follow her, don't try to call her. You may as well get a pillow and a blanket and lay your ass on the couch, hope she doesn't yank your blanket and pillow away in the middle of the night and hope she doesn't kick you out in the rain instead._

If you hear:

"Don't touch me, Gibbs."

"Get the fuck away from me Gibbs."

**OR**

Just, "_Gibbs_,"

It's not good. Go away. Do what she says.

_Bonus: Combinations_

Fine, whatever: Translation: I'm right, so shut up; and by the way, fuck you.

Wow, okay: Translation: You have to be the biggest idiot in the world to say that to me. I haven't decided what to do to you yet, but you're going to regret that.

Fine, just forget it: Translation: I'm right, you're wrong. You'd better fix it, because if you do forget about it, I'll make your life hell.

*Loud sigh* "Nothing.": Translation: Are you really that stupid that you can't figure it out?

Fine, go ahead: Do it, and I'll cut your balls off.

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Thanks for reading! :) It's been fun to write

xoxo-Monkeys


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